LAEM: The Worst Case Scenario

By Dr. Nick, from ANF thread #98526, one of many countless threads pointlessly speculating about how much LAEM will almost inevitably suck.

An actual disclaimer to cover my back:

1. Yes, this is The Old Shit, but it felt strangely appropriate at that time.
2. This is a work of satire and it does not represent the actual political views of the author. In fact, I don't think I have any.

INSTALLMENT 1 (2003/06/16)

Since we don't know much about this live action project and because at least I am in a complete baka state of mind, we might as well play a little mind-game called the Worst Case Scenario. So let's do some Hollywoodizing!

Part 1: Kill your darlings

OK, we have two hours of running time and the audience consists mostly of 13-year-old wood-eyed teens. That means some crap has to be cut. Forget about the Instrumentality Project, Lilith, dark conspiracies, and most of that mindless psychological mumbo-jumbo. A small amount of easily digestible New Age philosophy á la Final Fantasy is good, but not too much. This is a summer film and people want to see action, not talking heads.

The name "Nerv" has to be changed, because it's a German word, and Germans are nasty for not supporting the war effort in Iraq. Let's just call it the Organization. Seele can be the Committee.

And also, forget about messing with Christianity. Pissing off God means pissing off Bush, and that would be bad. So, those baddie aliens are not called Angels (fallen angels could possibly work, but better not to toy with religion). That means a symbolic switch from Biblical to Greek mythology. Angels are thus called Titans, Adam is Atlas, and so forth. Evangelions have to stay, of course, to maintain the franchise, but that's not a problem because they're used by the good guys.

Part 2: The Posse

Shinji = CJ Icarus, our mentally unstable protagonist. The original Shinji is too lame to be a blockbuster hero, but that problem is easily solved by making him a bipolar person. So, his moods can swing rapidly between self-hatred and dub-Kensuke-type excitement. Also a great trait for other dramatic purposes.

Asuka = Alice Langley. CJ's female counterpart, who almost instantly falls in love with him. Alice is unable to cope with those feelings and reacts to them in a rather aggressive manner. Thus we have a classic love-hate relationship between these two.

Rei = Rachel Amen. The mysterious third pilot of the team. She is the secret weapon of the Organization, because she is half-Titan, half clone-human (and maybe a bit cyborg, too), and thus has these groovy powers, like those teens in Roswell. Casting suggestion: Some weird-looking super model.

Supporting Cast:

• Misato = Michele Katz, the beer-guzzling guardian of CJ and Alice.
• Gendo = Gareth Icarus, CJ's dad and a very bitter guy indeed. Casting suggestion: Jon Bon Jovi -- this role would help him to become more respected as an actor.
• Fuyutsuki = George.
• Keel Lorenz = his name doesn't need altering, as it's perfect for an evil Frenchman.
• Toji = Thomas, the mandatory black guy. Gets squished during one of the later battles because that's the black guy's fate. Also a great way to add angst to the story.
• Kensuke = Caleb.
• Kaworu = Kenny Gaylord, CJ's buddy and the end-boss of the film. Gets killed pretty much the same way as in the series, after a huge mecha-kung-fu fight against Rachel and CJ. Casting suggestion: Elijah Wood!!! Just imagine, Elijah Wood being the bad guy of the story! Imagine the hype! With him, this movie cannot fail no matter what, because 12 million teen girls will each watch it at least five times.

And last but not least, the amazing CG-animated Pen²! Naturally he cannot be a penguin, because we can't advertise Linux in an American film (Microsoft is a big supporter of the Republican Party). Maybe he could be a giant squirrel of some sort, that'd be sooo cute!

...And now I shall duck behind this rock and wait for the flaming arrows. -o-;

RESPONSE: Orin_Quon (2003/06/16)

Nick, that was nice. Really funny... and, sadly, oh so real (if this indeed becomes a Hollywood movie).

I would be surprised if at least a couple of your predictions do not materialize in one way or the other. I'm sure we'll get a politically correct cast (mostly white with one Japanese, one African-American that says "da-amn", maybe even a "sassy" Latin with a weird accent).

The Asuka stuff is dead-on. She's so going to be the romantic interest. Opposites attract and shit...

Misato is going to be a "kick ass chick" who says things like "kick their arses" and stuff like that.

The religion will be toned down to the point where it is barely there or disappears altogether. The names will be changed, Shinji won't be a whiny kid (hell, he probably will ENJOY killing the "aliens"), adults will get younger and teens will get older...

INSTALLMENT 2 (2003/06/17)

PART 3 (2003/06/18)

Tonight in Worst Case Scenario: The scariest episode since the invention of fear! Lock up your children, because here it comes...

Part 4: From the Diary of Jerry Bruckheimer

Dear Diary,

Last night was bad. Once again I got a mocking call from a drunken Joel Silver. "Damn Jerry, Matrix is makiiing sooo much moooney", that bastard laughed at me. "When are you going to make a science fiction film, eh Jerry-boy?"

But I must be blessed or something, because this morning my prayers were answered: My minions Mike B. and Hans came to my office and they had a sci-fi script with them. They were really avid about it, but I didn't like the name: It was Evangelicum-something, and I said to them it sounded like a toothpaste. "Hey, no problem, Mr. J.," Mike said, "we can change that. Come on, just read it through!"

And I read it, and, dear Jesus, was I amazed! The story was so intellectual and complicated. The script itself was three times longer than in any of my other movies -- twelve whole pages. The boys said that it is an live action adaptation of some Texan cartoon, so I instantly called up Buena Vista Productions: Those guys at Disney surely know how to handle this kind of stuff. Mike already promised to do the directing, so that field is covered, too.

Then I asked them about the visuals, and they said that the effects will be done by WETA. That's cool, because I liked the LOTR movies a lot. Those films were also helluva successful: So successful, apparently, that a couple of days ago I heard they're even going to make book versions of them! Talk about milking...

But this movie isn't even gonna cost as much as LOTR, because we can use the old sets from Armageddon in most of the scenes -- those giant American flags and all. No casting is done yet, but I bet I can get Hayden Christensen (the young Darth, y'know) to be the hero dude, and Lee-Ann Rimes for the role of that blonde cyborg-chick (but she has to lose a couple of stones before that). And Hayden needs to pump some iron, too.

Hell, this movie is going to kick Joel's sorry arse so much it's hard to imagine. It's gonna have more wire-fu, slo-mo, CG, PP, sex, giant American flags, and cool shades than ten fucking Matrixes!!! There is no fucking way this project is gonna suck!

P.S. I cut two pages of boring dialogue out of the script. Makes it more cohesive. And that original freakish name is now changed, too: The tentative title shall be Plan E from Outer Space.

THE GRAND FINALE (2005/06/09)

From the climatic end battle scene:

"Ceejayyyyy!"
"Keeennyyyyyy!"
"Ceeeeeeejaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!"
"Keeeeeeeennyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!"

*crunch*